Being restless

I actually have a great attention span, contrary to the title of the post. I can literally sit still for longer than most people and listen to a boring speech without zoning out. I have a great attention span.  This restlessness is on a much larger scale…

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve lived in a few places, and that I can’t stay in one place for too long. It’s true. If I’m in one place for too long I start to get restless and feel the need to move or do something else with my life.

This kind of restlessness is partly why I’ve been to 2 high schools, but I’ve been pretty good about university so far – I’m in my fourth year and I’m still here in Wellington. I’ve also lived in four different places each year I’ve been here but hey, a small price to pay for staying in the same city at least.  Of course I’ve thought about moving elsewhere, but so far I’ve been pretty content with where I am, until recently. 

You know how we all have a body clock that sort of tells us when to sleep and when to wake up naturally? I think I have a body clock when it comes to where I am in my life (and in the world). It’s about 3-4 years before I start to itch for something more and something different. Something that also feels like I’m advancing in life, in some way.

I don’t know why it’s a three to four year thing…probably because up until two years ago my parents moved houses at least once every three years, sometimes twice in one year.  They were a bit restless too. I moved primary schools after three years, then moved onto intermediate/high school after another four years. It was in my fifth year at this school that I really felt the urge for something more. I ended up getting myself to a wonderful arts boarding school in California and had the time of my life!

Fast forward to 2017, and my friend at dinner tells me they’re surprised I’m still here in Wellington after 3 years. I laughed it off and pretended as if I hadn’t actually been feeling that same itch, that same urge recently.  Part of me is yelling “Stay in Wellington next year and work and SAVE damn it!!” and the other (overwhelmingly louder) part is telling me to listen to my body’s yearning for something else, screaming at me to “GO SOMEWHERE.” So I’ve been looking into possibly studying abroad next year for my final trimester, maybe in Italy. Or Hawaii. I’ve been researching all about it during the time I should be studying and preparing for my upcoming lecture recital.

I can’t help it. It’s as if I feel like I’m not getting enough things done, or I’m constantly looking at what’s on the other side that must be more exciting than what’s here. Maybe I’m scared that if I stay in a place too long I will have felt like I’ve failed by not achieving enough or doing enough. Perhaps I’m actually running away from something (commitment issues, much?)

I feel like I’m perpetually going to be like this. It’s probably not very healthy, because we have to stay in one place long enough to actually do something, to build a life. Will I keep feeling as though I’m not doing enough or achieving enough every three to four years? Maybe. One thing is guaranteed with this restlessness though, and that is adventure.  I don’t ever want to stop experiencing something new and seeing all that’s out there and meeting people unlike myself and falling in love with places.  Perhaps it isn’t healthy, and perhaps I’ll always be in this 3-4 year cycle that’ll eventually drain my bank account and relationships, but it doesn’t feel wrong to me.  I want to see everything, do everything, be everything…and fit it all into this little life I have.

Much love xx

Alex

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